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Nov. 6th, 2008

contentment is something i can only dream of

he is depressed. he just went on zoloft and has completely lost control of his mind. he is like the worst version of myself that i have ever seen and i want to be there for him becuase i hvae an obligation to him because he saved my life. and theres something so meaningful about every single word that you say when you re talking about life and death becuase we're so very fragile. we;re just these small broken children who lie in our beds and cry for something to come and rescue us and we find hope in the most useless and unimportant things but the thing that matters is that i understand this all. know one will ever know this kind of pain until they feel it themselves. and he has felt it. hes living it . breathing it. and hes counting on me to save him inthe way that he saved me because i was falling and he caught me but what if i crumble under the weight of his fall. i am terrified that i wont be good enough for him and for you even and in turn, can never be good enough for myself. i aim to please and that is my downfall.

confessions of midnight madness.

winter is coming again. im afraid that i will fall back into my black hole that i fit so comfortably in not even one year ago.
mmm, maybe horrified and trapped.
i ask myself if i really can go through it one more time?
can i resist temptations over and over?
can i wrestle with the demons inside and come out on top?
can i survive the cold and heartless winter that is to come?
am i setting myself up for failure?
if i was an existentialist i would realize that i am choosing to put myself on this path. "you create your own meaning of life. there is no fate. there is no destiny. there is you, your world, and what you make of it."
how sad is it that this is my meaning?? alarmingly sad...is the answer.

people think that i am special. they tell me im amazing. clever. witty. even beautiful with graceful words and a poetic heart.
so why dont i believe them?
why dont i devote this winter to believing those people. and believing in myself?
maybe someday ill wake up and make the decision to do so.
maybe not.
maybe ill sit in my corner spot scribbling away forever, until my pen runs out of inkand then ill just fall asleep and never wake up.

Nov. 3rd, 2008

loose at the edges

i sent him away today. on a cloud of tears and sorrow he went flying into the abyss. falling. grasping. drowning.
i tried to assure him that it was for the best. best for us both.
i needed to be alone with myself. all my angst.
its hard sometimes, harder now..
  to be this person that i have to be. constantly myself. with my own thoughts.
i am thinking to much. [i think too much. i write too much. i sing too much. i cry too much.]
he has to let go of me. for me. for him. for us both.

coffee has stained my white shirt.
my vest is wrinkled.
my jeans are stretching.
my hair looks awful today.

the end. [thank god]

Oct. 30th, 2008

something not so me

i hope for some heart not so broken.
not so fragile.
not so naive.
not so afraid.
not so young.
not so vulnerable.
not so weak.
not so much like mine.

a sinking ship, an awkward kiss

i'm listening to rise against's new album. rather impressed, actually.
drama was fun. kyle is doing sooo well. its a little awkward, since we've never actually spoken before drama started. and now we have to be ... in love? yes. strange it seems.
hero of war is playing on  youtube. "a hero of war, yeah thats what ill be, and when i come home..they'll be damn proud of me. ill carry this falg to the grave if i must, because its the flag that i love..and a flag that i trust."
i wonder if this is supposed to make me feel patriotic. its making me sad. i would like to write a song now. if the boy that i was in love with were to go off to war. how i'd be feeling. its not original. its not clever. its not creative. but its true. and its real. and its beautiful.
and that is what music is about.
and poetry.
and life.
and love.

i'm afraid of being in love, to be honest. its supposed to be this wonderful..beautifully captivating thing. but its hard.
"there's nothing simple when it comes to you and i"
you make me crazy.
in a good way.

Oct. 28th, 2008

i think too much.

        its 9:52. i am thinking too much. just like always. i mean, not always, but most of the time. im back to sitting in class - pretending to take notes, but absent-mindedly scribbling away nonsense in my journal. the pretty girls probably think im a freak. i dont care. one of them is pregnant. they all talk about her baby shower and it confuses me. she's 17, and real life is punching her in the face. that would knock me out, for sure.
         i just made a christmas list. filling my time with thoughtless tasks so that i dont have to face real life. i guess its somewhat like a game to me. hmm...
         the blodd drive is going  on downstairs. i almost wish i weighed 110 lbs. so that i could give blood. but i may just be saying that to feel like i'd be a good person if i had the choice. but in actuality, i like alllll my blood. and i hate needles. maybe im not a good person. who even knows? although, i did help an old woman out to her car with her groceries the other day at hannaford. i suppose that was nice....?
        the hudson valley community college instant admissions are going on today. the pregnant girl just asked me if i was going there. i shook my head no. she  said, "oh, guess you're just too good for the valley, huh?" i tried to think of something to say to make me sound less like a slob. i blurted out, "I'm almost failing a.p. english." she looked at me, raised her eyebrows, and turned away smirking. i looked away and thought to my self, shut up stupid pregnant girl you're graduating high school (maybe) with nothing to show but a DWI and a baby. you're missing your senior year snowball dance because you'll be in labor. but now i guess im just being mean.
        college is stressful. i just officially applied to saint rose. paul is going there, like lots of other people in this area. both his sisters, marybeth and annie went there. i wonder if they like it. i should ask them. maybe today.
       paul is funny, but i laugh at anything........so does he.
        election day is coming up. mr. keller says, "things are either about to get a lot better, or a lot worse. whatever happens, those of you who are voting...get your shit together." the only person is our class who can vote is Levi. levi have a tatto that says "im over it, so fucking over it." and he is the only one of us who has anything to say about the success of our country. good grief.
         mr. keller never stops talking. he might be the most opinionated person i know. ever. althea has a really cool andy warhol bag. i should start buying more stuff off of ebay. i like her, shes unique. am i unique? hmmm....
         mr. keller joked about running for president, and having trent tibbitts be his running mate. this would be a laugh. headlining- FORMER SCHODACK HISTORY TEACHER AND STAR BASKETBALL PLAYER RUN FOR PRESIDENCY. sounds like the recipe for a disaster. or a comedy. what a great movie. i'd buy it.

Oct. 27th, 2008

simply chaotic

sometimes i wish i had the life of one of those silly girls with nothing on her mind but her hair or what shes going to wear tomorrow of if her shallow attractive absent-minded boyfriend will like the new jeans that she bought or if The Hills is a re-run tonight and whatnot (the list goes on and on). i dream of being this way sometimes. everything seems so simple for them. but for me, life is just chaotic.

on a lighter note, im entering a poetry contest. it should be fun to see if i place. chances are, no, but it cant hurt to try. he's calling me now : ) goodnight.

Oct. 23rd, 2008

its my life and ill smile if i want to

so this is me, i guess. i live in a shit ass town, i work at a grocery store, i go to a tiny school where everyone knows everyone, i have some really great friends, and i think too much about boys. i love to write, and i love to play guitar..even though im not that good. i don't plan on using proper grammar or punctuation or spelling in these journals..because this isnt english class. this is raw thoughts and feelings; unedited expression. i plan on telling you everything, even though i know i run the risk of creating drama if someone reads what i've written about them (we all know how that plays out). but mostly im writing these just for myself. not for anyone else to read, for myself; to tell my own story.